Assignment: Ethical [Except in a title, do not capitalize the first word after a colon unless it begins a complete clause] issues and management paper
I choose [Avoid use of the first person (I, me, my) in academic writing unless writing about a personal experience. Check first person use with your instructor. ] to write my paper about Performance Evaluations. I have had a lot of [Only commercial shipments and real estate are measured in lots. To use “a lot of” to mean “many,” “much,” or “a large amount” is a colloquialism (not universally clear). Use another term.] experiences on Performance Evaluation, from being [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)–If not a noun (as in “human being”), the word “Being” is hard to imagine; it means “existing.” Try to rewrite this without using “being”–with action words like “attending,” “working,” “living,” “experiencing,” simply “as”–or even removing “being” completely] the person receiving them to the person who fills them [Check pronoun agreement–if “them” refers to “person” (or a singular subject), it should be singular, too (him or her)] out quarterly. I spent twenty [Express numbers higher than nine in digits (when not the first word in the sentence)] years in the U.S. Army, and in the Army we [Use “we,” “us,” or “our” to mean yourself and coauthors, not general humanity (or yourself and the reader)] receive Performance Evaluations quarterly. In the Army we call them Performance Professional Growth counseling, or counseling statements.
There are [“There are” is an awkward phrase if “there” is not clearly a location] many things [Vague–“things” or “stuff” are wording gimmicks to avoid further description] discussed on a counseling statement, the first of which is the successful completion of the last quarter’s goals. Discussion of new ways to achieve the goals not accomplished from last quarter. The outlining of [Writing suggestion: remove “The” and “of”] new goals for the next quarter, safety of operations, physical fitness, personal hygiene and [in academic writing, if this is a series, place a comma before the final conjunction (and)] fitness, military bearing and the Army core Values. The next step is possible plans of action, outlining plans of action for whatever needs improvement. There are [Avoid using this phrase] a few more areas of interest on the counseling form, one of which is background information. This includes the duty performance, the short range [Assuming the previous two words function as an adjective, they should be spelled as a single hyphenated word] professional growth, and the long range [Assuming the previous two words function as an adjective, they should be spelled as a single hyphenated word] professional growth. Another part is the summary of counseling; where there are sustain (performance) and improvement sections. The next part is the session closing, in this section; the team leader summarizes the key points of the counseling and makes sure the subordinate understands the plan of action. The next part is where [“is where” or “are where” are awkward phrases; use simply “here”–or reword the sentence to something like “In part”, or “With part,”] the leader recognizes his or her plan to help their [Check pronoun agreement–if “their” refers to “leader” (or a singular subject), it should be singular, too (his or her)] subordinate in reaching all career goals. The final stage of counseling is the assessment of the plan of action, now [“Now” is a difficult word. Because this is being read some time after you wrote it, “now” is ambiguous–do you mean at the time you were writing? When was that? If you mean “as of the present time” (Since the revolution, George is now king), you can simply leave out “now” = Since the revolution, George is king. If the time or date is important, fill it in] this is completed [The passive voice is a form of “be” (is) and a participle (completed). Over-use of the passive voice can make paragraphs officious and tedious to read. Try to use the active voice most often; for example, passive voice = The paper was completed on time. Active voice = the student completed the paper on time–See Center for Writing Excellence > Tutorials & Guides > Grammar & Writing Guides > Active & passive voice] by the platoon Sargent or the first Sargent.
Like I stated in the first paragraph, I have received twenty [Express numbers higher than nine in digits (when not the first word in the sentence)] years of counseling statements, and they have always stated [Doctoral-level comment (also recommended for any academic writer)–do not divide two-part verb beginning with has/have/had. Try to place “always” before or after the two-part verb (have stated)–“always have stated” or “have stated always” (or place “always” later in the sentence)] the improvements that I have needed, but they also state what I am doing well on, so by no means are they a negative counsel. I have been an NCO, non-commissioned officer for 14 years in the Army, so I have had to fill out many of these statements on my subordinates. I always show the good, or the positive of any soldier I have had, I also point out [This is a phrasal verb, two words that together mean something different from their individual definitions–looking up each word in the dictionary would not produce the meaning, which could cause misinterpretation in an international business communication. Try different wording, such as simply a form of “indicate,” “show,” “highlight,” etc.] what needs improving. I have realized in my career, that [Remove comma before “that” preceding a restrictive phrase (otherwise replace “that” with “which”)] to praise a soldier for a job well done and to just mention [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)–avoid a split infinitive; consider placing the adverb (just) before or after the infinitive (to mention )–try “just to mention ” or “to mention just” (or place “just” later in the sentence)] the negative without dwelling on it, this pushes the soldier to become better than what he or she might [Check word usage: Use “might” to indicate an uncertain possibility. Use “may” for a possibility almost a sure thing] be. Everyone loves praise from their [his or her] fellow workers and bosses, so it is important to give praise when deserved and not to harp on the improvements, let that soldier, or employee know what needs improving and leave it at that.
There are [Avoid using this phrase] many moral and ethical issues that managers, or in this case sargeants are faced [Passive voice ] with. Sometimes a soldier is having [Writing suggestion: the present progressive “is having” is an awkward phrase; use the present tense–simply “has,” “have,” or “is to have”] personal issues that affect his or her performance ratings. These issues could be from others at work or personal issues at home. In many cases a soldier’s promotion is determined [Passive voice ] by the quarterly statements. If a soldier has say, financial hardships, a promotion is the one thing that could help them [him or her] . In being [“In being” is an awkard phrase; leave it out completely, or use simply “As” ] their first line leader one has to disreguard the hardships of their [his or her] soldier and make a decision on what to put into the soldier’s performance evaluations. Even though a a [Typographical error: eliminate duplicate word (if on the same line)] good performance report might help that soldier, is it really [Writing suggestion–“real” or “really” means “existing in actuality”–it adds little to the meaning (and using it to mean “big,” “very,” or “genuine” is slang); replace it with a more expressive word] right to not put [Negative wording is often difficult to understand, particularly a negative split infinitive. Instead of “to not put,” try “not to put” or variations of “to avoid puting,” “to keep from puting,” “to disallow puting,” “to forbid puting,” “to fail to put,” etc.–beware: these are computer-generated suggestions and could contain misspellings] in the correct information just to make them look better? [Unless in a quote or a title, avoid rhetorical questions in academic writing. A good idea is to provide answers, not questions] In the Army, there is always the possibility of going off to war, and we li8ve by a special code of Army values, if we break those values even though the intentions are good, we break down the system others have died to protect. I have been in situations like this before where a soldier needed a good quarterly counseling to get [Doctoral rule (although good advice for any academic writer)–instead of using “get,” which can mean many things, more formal is to use forms of “receive,” “obtain,” “arrive at,” “can,” “could,” “grow,” “able to,” etc.] promoted or to attend a school, but I could not bend the rules for them [him or her] . Part of me wanted to bend these rules, but if I did this I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror, I would be disgusted [Passive voice ] with myself. If I had made these statements look better than they actually [Cliché: “actual” and “actually” are weak words whose meaning is nothing more than “in point of fact.” They are often used as intensifiers but usually can be deleted with no change in meaning ] were, I wouldn’t [Contractions are inappropriate in academic writing–write it out] just be hurting that soldier, I would be hurting everyone else on the team.
Social issues I believe do not apply here, but ethically responsible management does. In the ever changing [Assuming the previous two words function as an adjective, they should be spelled as a single hyphenated word] world we live in, being in the military, lives are dependant [The preferred spelling is “dependent”] on all doing the right thing. No matter how small the ethical issue is, we as soldiers are sworn to always do [split infinitive] the right thing, to put our fellow soldiers needs and safety above our own and to be fair and impartial when recommending both rewards and punishment.
|Content and Development Week 4
|Student covers all key elements of the assignment in a substantive way.
||The issues you chose were described in an easy to grasp style.
Since we are dealing with management aspects the ethical and legal areas were well explored.
What goes on in the real world and personal experiences are very relevant here…nicely done!
Word count was low. Hence some details missing.
Facts stated, decision making explored and good conclusion were used in this paper…well done.
|The content is comprehensive, accurate, and persuasive.|
|Student states major points clearly with specific details, examples, or analysis; and organizes logically.
|The introduction provides sufficient background on the topic and previews major points.|
|The conclusion is logical, flows from the body of the paper, and reviews the major points.|
|Readability and Style
|Paragraph transitions are present, logical, and maintain the flow throughout the paper.||Well written, easy to read and follow…very important points.|
|The tone is appropriate to the content and assignment.|
|Sentences are complete, clear, and concise.|
|Sentences are well constructed, strong, and varied.|
|Sentence transitions are present and maintain the flow of thought.|
|The paper, including the title page, reference page, tables, and appendixes, follows APA formatting guidelines.||APA format not followed.
References were well used and cited per APA.
CWE errors were found be sure to use the CWE to eliminate these errors.
|Citations of original works within the body of the paper follow APA guidelines.|
|The paper is laid out with effective use of headings, font styles, and white space.|
|Rules of grammar, usage, and punctuation are followed.|
|Spelling is correct.|
Well written paper except the word count hurt the grade. Continue on with the good writing skills displayed, just watch those word counts and always use CWE to get rid of writing errors. Adhere to syllabus requirements for assignments…in this case APA format.